Last night, my wife and I celebrated our fifth wedding anniversary. You know what five years is? Just long enough for me to think this one might not work out.

You ever have a day where you're forced to be around someone you just don't like? You start to realize that they don't like you either, and suddenly you say to yourself, 'Why did I marry this person?'

I was married once before, and I stopped.

People say, 'How do you stay married?' And I say, 'Well, just keep going home 'cause the day you don't go home, it's pretty much over.'

You like Mr. Pibb? You get to drink all the Mr. Pibb you want! But you wake up 10 years from now and think, 'Well, I think I'd like something hot to drink.' Well, you better heat up some Mr. Pibb!

Marriage? Sure. Dabbled in it a little during the late 80s. Wild stuff, brother, wild stuff.

Marriage is like having cable with just one channel: same thing come on everyday. You see other things come on, but you can't watch it.

Sometimes I worry I don't want to get married as much as I'd like to be dipped in a vat of warm, rising bread dough.

Marriage is an institution. You know, it's a commitment. And you don't get to leave an institution, especially once you're committed.

Q: Why did Frosty the Snowman want a divorce?A: He thought his wife was a flake.