Why did the Italian boy want to grow a mustache?
So he could look like his mama.

Q: Why did the Siamese twins move to England? A: So the other one could drive.

Once a Frenchman, an Englishman and an Irishman were sentenced to be whipped 100 times. They had the option to make it less painful by putting anything they wanted on their backs. The Frenchman, knowing alchohol eases pain, asked to have French beer on his back. The Englishman did they same with English beer. But the Irishman asked to put the Frenchman on his back!

Each year, the Washington Post's "Style Invitational" asks readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition. Here are the 2001 winners:
Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.
Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.
Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.
Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.
Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.
Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.
Hipatitis: Terminal coolness.
Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease.
Karmageddon: It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a serious bummer.
Glibido: All talk and no action.
Dopeler Effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.
Ignoranus: A person who's both stupid and an asshole.

What do you call Vasoline in German? Vienerschlide.

1. You live in the center of the universe 2. Your $400,000 Toronto home is actually a dump 3. You and you alone decide who will win the federal election 4. There's no such thing as an Ontario Separatist 5. Your grandparents sold booze to the States during Prohibition 6. Lots of tourists come to Toronto because they mistakenly believe it's a cool city 7. The only province with hard-core American-style crime 8. MuchMusic's Speaker's Corner - rant and rave on national TV for a dollar 9. Baseball fans park on your front lawn and pee on the side of your house 10. Mike Harris: basically a sober Ralph Klein

1. You wake up one morning to find you suddenly have beachfront property 2. Amusing town names like "Flin Flon" and "Winnipeg" 3. All your local bands make it big and move to Toronto 4. The only province to ever violently rebel against the federal government 5. Hundreds of huge, horribly frigid lakes 6. Nothing compares to a wicked Winnipeg winter 7. You don't need a car, just take the canoe to work 8. You can be an Easterner or a Westerner depending on your mood 9. Because of your license plate, you are still "friendly" even when you cut someone off 10. Pass the time watching trucks and barns float by

1. You never run out of wheat 2. Those cool Saskatchewan Wheat Pool hats 3. Cruise control takes on a whole new meaning 4. Your province is really easy to draw 5. You never have to worry about roll-back if you have a standard 6. It takes you two weeks to walk to your neighbor's house 7. YOUR Roughriders survived 8. You can watch the dog run away from home for hours 9. People will assume you live on a farm 10. Buying a huge John Deere mower makes sense

Q. What did the Mexican firefighter name his two sons? A. Hose A and Hose B

A man was heading to England and his next-door neighbor Mrs. Dunn had just sent her son Olmos off to England a week ago. He hadn't called since he was there, so she asked the man to get him to call her. She knew he was staying in a big white house so she told him that.
When he arrived in England, the man asked the first person he saw for the big white house. Thinking he meant the outhouse, the Brit said, "It is in the middle of the park." So the man went to the park and saw a white house in the center.
He knocked on the door and said, "Are you Olmos Dunn?"
A voice came from inside, "Yeah, I just have to find the toilet paper."