A guy goes to the psychiatrist only wearing shorts made of Glad wrap.The psychiatrist says, "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts."

Three old ladies sit in a diner, discussing their health.One lady says, "You know, I'm getting really forgetful. This morning, I was standing at the top of the stairs, and I couldn't remember whether I had just come up or was about to go down."The second lady says, "You think that's bad? The other day, I was sitting on the edge of my bed, and I couldn't remember whether I was going to sleep or had just woken up!"The third lady smiles smugly. "Well, my memory is just as good as it's always been, knock on wood," she says as she raps on the table. Then with a startled look on her face, she asks, "Who's there?"

Willy, a mental patient, mimes driving a car as he runs through the halls of the asylum. An orderly asks Willy what he's doing.Willy replies, "I'm going to Chicago for the weekend."The orderly enters another patient's room and catches Bob pleasuring himself.When asked what he is doing, Bob replies, "I'm screwing Willy's old lady while he's away in Chicago."

I immediately went out and bought a book on anger management. And now I have that book, and I don't know if I'll get to the book. But I'm certainly excited about the day where I can't find the book, and I get to say, 'Where the hell is my anger management book?!'

I think, in most cases, the difference between depression and disappointment is your level of commitment.

I have a very addictive personality. In fact, I just bought a book on addiction. I love it. I can't put it down.

I don't have any sympathy for people who suffer from low self-esteem. You don't need to love yourself. You just need to hate a lot of other people, then grade yourself on the curve. Hey, I might suck, but I don't suck as bad as Hitler.

I actually had anxiety for so long I went to a psychiatrist. And I said to the guy, 'I'm constantly anxious. What do I do?' He told me I had obsessive-compulsive disorder. I was shocked. I had to call him nine times to make sure he was certain.

Jon and Dan are in a mental institution which has an annual contest that picks two of the best patients and gives them two questions. If they answer correctly, they are released.Jon is called into the doctor's office first. The doctor says, "Jon, what would happen if I poked out one of your eyes?"Jon says, "I'd be half blind.""That's correct. What would happen if I poked out both your eyes?""I'd be completely blind." The doctor tells him that he is free to go. On Jon's way out he tells Dan the questions and answers.The doctor asks Dan, "What would happen if I cut off one of your ears?"Dan says, "I'd be half blind."The doctor, slightly puzzled, continues, "What would happen if I cut off both your ears?""I'd be completely blind.""Dan, how can you explain that you'd be blind?" asks the doctor."Well," replies Dan, "my hat would fall over my eyes."

Q: How does a crazy person travel through the woods?A: They take the psycho path.